Melbourne Cycling Culture

This article has been sent in by one of our readers and is about the culture surrounding bikes here in Melbourne. These are some of his observations about Melbourne cycling culture...

Melbourne Cycling Culture
Written by David Hall
I grew up in a nice valley, great for walking, playing in creeks and climbing trees.
But lousy for bikes.
Too many cow pads.
Too many bogs.
Too many stacks.
Too many electric fences.
Too many swerves away from cow pads into bogs and stacking into the electric fence.

I gave up… until moving to Melbourne for Uni in the early 90’s. Now as a city slicker I’m completely reliant on my two wheeled friend. I find the culture surrounding bikes here in Melbourne fascinating, bemusing and hilarious. Here are some of my little observations about Melbourne cycling culture.

#1 You are what you wear
Lycra Larry
Everyone knows the ultra competitive Lycra Larry found in velodromes, on highways or zipping along Beach Road… slick bike pants matching the lycra top that has as many words and symbols as possible. The more words on the gear, the better the cyclist. They love to travel in large packs.

Basket Beatrice
Inspired by French films and Frankie magazine this ultra stylish lot are big on fashion and not so big on speed. They can be found lolling gently amidst traffic on Chapel Street or Bridge Rd, looking lovely… with a floral designed bag flopped purposefully in their basket. They are often solo.

Black Barry
This critical mass loyalist thinks black makes them highly visible as they go zig zagging down Smith or Brunswick Street… black army style helmet on but unbuckled. No lights, no fear. They like to travel in small packs of two or three.

Greeny Gale
This is your die hard environmentalist, with “One less car” planted firmly on their sensible upright trusted hybrid bike as it asserts itself down High St Northcote or Lygon St, Brunswick. Defiant in the face of busy traffic in their bright and practical gear with organic veges jutting out from a pannier or back basket.

Weekend Wobblies
This is the family that decided to go cycling for the day and dusted off some bikes from the back shed. You’ll see mum, dad and two kids worming their way down the esplanade bike paths at Williamstown or Elwood. Howling sea breeze drowning out dad’s voice as he screams out for the forty fifth time “Keep to the left Daniel”, while mum accompanies sulky Suzie while they look for the drink bottle she dropped “back there” . It’ll be months before they venture out again.

Daggy Dave
In baggy shorts, a bright top and an odd fitting helmet that makes them look like a bull ant, the Daggy Dave’s are a quirky bunch. Safety underpins their look and fashion comes a comfortable second place. You’ll see their flouro clad bodies riding to work along Gardiners creek, or down Canning St, Carlton.
Myself, I’m a daggy Dave. For riders like me, even when you try to don the lycra and look like a real professional there will be something that gives you away. Runners on your feet perhaps, trousers tucked into socks, or the real passion killer… a cap under the helmet.

Morale of the story, if you are a daggy Dave – embrace it fully and celebrate the dagginess of your being. Treat it as your own form of art. The picture here sums this up nicely.

#2 Riding to the dinner party
At any dinner party in bike friendly suburb like North Fitzroy or Brunswick around a third to a half the people will roll up on bike. Great for the environment, but be sure to warn your housemates about the six bikes blocking the hallway. Also, be careful what you’ve asked them to bring…

• Turkish bread will arrive rolled into the shape of a sausage, with beetroot dip soaked into one corner.
• Olives will come drained of their delicious garlic infused olive oil (having dripped neatly into the bottom of the pannier).
• Bubbly will arrive ready to explode over the lounge room floor
• Salad is nicely tossed
• The lemon tart for desert has crumbed and conformed sulkily into the shape of the plastic bag – with a mysterious arced divot where it was pressed against the cab sav (the only thing that arrived untainted by the journey).

#3 The “ding” thing
It’s really really hard to get this one right.

So you are cruising down a bike path and two pedestrians are covering the path ahead of you. This is where the bell is your friend. But getting the volume on these little mongrels right isn’t easy.

Too soft and they are grumbling at you for the lack of warning.

Too hard and the bell clangs in your ears and theirs like Big Ben on a frosty morning startling you all.

Even when you get it right, a pair of walkers will often just elegantly change places like a well synchronized ice skating routine.

They’ll then apologize as you smile politely and ride on.

#4 Who let the dogs out?
Whoever first decided dogs were mans best friend was not riding a bike along Merri Creek path at the time.

Dogs have to mature and learn how to avoid bikes on their own as their owners are usually no help. Upon seeing you in the distance owners will often call their dogs in a well meaning attempt to help avoid a collision.

“Spotty” They say with a hopeful tone. Spotty, on the opposite side of the path to them ignores them and focused on the scent of a fluffy animal.

“Spotty!” They say again, a little louder. Spotty continues his search for the small fluffy beast. By now you are closing in, watching the dog nervously.

“Spotty!!!” They yell as you are a few meters away… Spotty finally responds by darting across the path just as you are passing, forcing you to brake suddenly and swear silently.

They’ll then apologize as you smile politely and ride on.

#5 The pram phenomena
Isaac Newton was a brilliant physicist, whose three laws of physics still underpin our understanding of motion nearly 300 years after his death.

Were he a bike rider here in Melbourne he would have defined an important fourth law of motion – that prams don’t move for anyone. You can ding… you can yell out…your brakes can screech… the pram continues it’s momentum and line… an amazing phenomena seen on all bike paths that still baffles scientists to this day.

There’s no apology as you smile politely and ride on.

Newtons fourth law of physics: Prams move for no-one!

#6 Organised races… I mean… tours!
The Great Vic Bike Ride, MS fundraising rides and the like can be a valuable way to have fun with your riding buddies. But the competitive spirit of riders can’t help but raise its head.

It doesn’t matter how many times the subconsciously competitive rider announces that they are there for the “fun, scenery and social life”. As the tour goes on, more and more people fall into thinking they are in a race.

Now nothing helps more in a race than a head start! So at 5am (yes that’s right, 5 am!!) the tents will start swarming into action, as these keen riders (yes, Lycra Larry and his mates) start preparing for the ride ahead. They have all day to reach their destination, but want to be there by breakfast.
Now Confucius say that man who get up early to be hero, like to let everyone else know about it (or words to that effect). So they squawk away while packing their gear waking up all the daggy Dave’s nearby. The Basket Beatrice’s and Black Barry’s aren’t affected… they are still in Melbourne and never for a moment contemplated nine days of sweating on a highway.

Fun trips? Yes. Sociable? Yes. Relaxing? No. But these rides are great events and we are lucky to have so many of them in this state.

#7 Sharing the road
Depending on the type of bike rider you are, you tend to adopt a different attitude towards the metallic friends we share the road with.
Could they talk as they ride along, here’s what they would say…

Lycra Larry
I have a RIGHT to be here
Car’s response: Nice shorts!

Basket Beatrice
Look at how lovely I am
Car’s response: Yes you are lovely… but can you go any quicker?

Black Barry
I’ll go where I like
Car’s response: Whoah, didn’t see you there!

Greeny Gale
You are emitting carbon, how dare you spoil my future
Car’s response: One less bike, yes. But I’m four less bikes.

Daggy Dave
You can see me… I know you can.
Car’s response: How could I miss you Flouro flashy lights boy.

In conclusion, I love cycling in Melbourne. It’s green, sociable, healthy, practical and fun! Besides… I love squashed Turkish bread soaked in beetroot dip… yummy.

by David Hall
David is a Physiotherapist, wellness trainer, group facilitator and much more including founder of Escape the city Melbourne cycle tours.
For more on David visit his web site.